Eratic thoughts and emotions

Amanda Ruth Hanke
Love of my life
I fell in love with you the first time I saw you. There are many that I have been attracted to,
lusted for, at first sight..but you.. you I fell in love with. I know this because I had to
reconcile it with myself. In many ways, you weren't the typical physical type that I might
be attracted to. However, your eyes..from the first moment you held me in your eyes, I knew
I was lost. April 12th(?)..Was that it? The night I met you through Kenton and Becca at your
belly dancing performance at the Oxford Theater. Immediately I wanted nothing so much as to
please you. From the moment you mesmerized me with your eyes and your oh so sweet smile, I wanted
nothing more than to have you smile in gratitude and appreciation in my direction. I was restless.
I just wanted to make you happy. I went to the gas station to find you treats as soon as I learned
that you had a preference for lemon candies. So cute and adorable with such a preference.
You rebuffed me. You had a boyfriend. Still, I was already yours. Still, I thought of you as
I left empty handed. I made you that card and put together a bag of assorted candies..Only the
lemon flavored ones of each type included. I sent them along with Kenton and Becca to your next show.
I didn't go. I'd been invited and I wanted to go..but I partially wanted to play the "game" and
portray my "indifference", attempting to make myself more appealing..Also.. I feared seeing you,
desiring you, aching for you, and being rebuffed again.
Later we had the Rennaisance fair. My heart SOARED when you gave me attention. When you walked with me,
sat with me, talked with me..Shared with me your sweets, treats and snacks. I wanted you so bad, and
not at all sexually(not that that desire was not there, but for once, it wasn't at all at the
fore of my mind).
We had supper at Applebees and I made you laugh. I made you smile. I couldn't have been more proud
of myself. I loved you. There was some ethereal connection. You still denied me, but I could FEEL
the mutual attraction and appreciation for nothing so much as just being in each other's company.
That feeling was magnified and solidified when you finally invited me to your place romantically.
We kissed and never have I so enjoyed a kiss. Lips so soft, so supple. A woman so beautiful and
snug in my arms. I knew from that moment on that I never wanted to be anyplace so much as in your
arms. Every day we cuddled. I am so sorry I surrendered that. Nothing hurt more than when we
slowly drifted and I constantly wondered if you had tired of me. Still, I yearned to please you.
Greatest year of my life was with you. That year was better than any other individual month, week,
day or hour. You gave me a sense of purpose and fulfillment..and i failed you.
I broke
I am sorry.

I was sometimes uncomfortable at times, but I LOVED being invited to your family things. That
sense of acceptance and integration. That inclusion
God, I am so sorry. I need you
I love you.

I hope you understand why I've been so back and forth.. 1001 S. Barstow, Apt 4, Eau Claire..
That is my home. Amanda Hanke is my home. Whatever you might think, you were never just some
girlfriend. . Just some person filling a role. My entirety was in you. You are my entirety.
People now scoff at such things but that is the driving force that has lead our species and every
other from the very beginning.. Of EVERY organism, but especially sexually dimorphic ones. I
surrendered to the compulsions of my flesh much as I would upon visiting a bathroom but that is
all that it was. Mind, intention, future, affection.. All were yours. So, I hate being away from
you..and equally.. It drives me crazy knowing that you dismiss and recategorize my intentions.
It's not TRUE! Cheating, using..!! All bullshit as much as it is bullshit that a person is "cheating"
when they go to a restaurant to receive sustenance from another! It wouldn't mean that the person
appreciates your cooking any less but is seeking to assuage nothing more than biological cravings.
Don't make me out to be something I am not. Don't use culture and idealogy to skew and tarnish
every other moment we shared. Every other word I'd uttered.
You might see it as a burden and an annoyance that I want to hear your voice and share in your
thoughts everyday..while I see such feelings as a dismissal of the esteem to which I hold you
and the esteem to which I thought you'd held me. It's not crazy, creepy, or any other negative
attribution that after needing you and seeing you every day that I would CRAVE what little I could
get when that is no longer available. Of course it hurts HORRIBLY when it seems I am alone in
those sentiments.
I griped and accused and was a complete asshole..but truly.. even though I yearned for you to
open up to me.. entrust to me your vulnerabilities.. those vulnerabilities are part of what
endeared you to me. I do wish things had been different, on both sides, and things could have been
but none of that matters. I just wish we could have pushed things through. Gotten over the hump
and allowed the rest of life to play out. I failed you..and I wish I could have had the time
to adapt and make it up to you. Let the bigger picture, decades down the road, been the greater
testimony when this bullshit would have fallen away as a triviality in light of the reliance
and dependability, through thick and thin, we'd developed over the years since.

The “outdoors” tend to be perceived as an aesthetic extension of our modern society, accentuating our day to day lives with an appealing backdrop to the tedious tasks we perform on a regular basis, but failing to remind us of the unlimited opportunities of self revelation and exploration available to us.  On occasion we deign to delve into the surface layers of our rural surroundings and dignify the excursion as some extraordinary exploit where we’ve pitted ourselves against the wanton wiles of the wilderness, while reclining on comfy cushions and feeding our faces with packaged processed foods.  Such ostentatious “adventures” only serve to further delude our innate identity and debilitate our inherent abilities by encumbering them with unrealistic expectations of our environs.  What we need is to not test our toes within the tapestry we’ve woven about us, but to tear the illustrations aside and immerse ourselves within our very own instincts.  This need be taken no further than 10 feet out the backdoor into the backyard, but what a wondrous experience to allow the city lights to wane in the distance as we wander a bit further from the technology and creature comforts we’ve propped ourselves up with.  Doing no more than wriggling my soft, sensitive toes in this raging river of survivalist supposition, I’ve attempted to do just that.
My first few solitary stays in the woods not far from modern convenience were a lot more enlightening than I had expected.  What threatened to be an incremental accruement of cognitive stagnation a priori proved to be just the opposite as concerns for even the necessity of contemplation and mental stimulation were shed as easily as a worry for water at a pool party.  Slipping away from the incessant trivial demands of the roles and rote of superfluous society seemed to beg the surrender of baggage unwittingly acquired.  ”Time” gave ground to the measure of earth moved beneath each step as simple, directly definable duties were undertaken.  It didn’t matter who “Sally” was dating or how productive the team was performing, all that was relevant was the allotment of activities I’d chosen to accept.  If I wished to be warm as the world pulled its wool blanket over its eyes and exposed its dark dreamscape, then my only objective was to obtain those materials to make that desire manifest- break the wind from my back, elevate my skin from the warmth leeching landscape, suspend insulating materials I could snuggle up in, and collect the twigs and sticks I could combust for a comfortable fire.  If my heart, hands and feet yearned to be set free to realize their potential, there was a veritable playground of unexplored terrain to be tackled.  No longer was I conscribed to a constricted agenda but free to meet only those demands of my anatomy and curiosity.  Time neither sped up nor slowed down but more or less just changed dimensions with a little less resistance.  Like a flow of water I’d once attempted to swim upstream utilizing all the acceptable methods, I’d now merely stood up shedding the superficial posturing to tread against the same current in a more streamline fashion.  I hadn’t gained any great insight or made any profound revelations yet about the world around me, just surrendered for a time to a simpler appreciation of its intricacies.
Such is the “call of the wild”, the beseechment of our inherited impulses and instincts.  It’s not about seeing the world and its inhabitants one way or another, but a subconscious supplication to not suppress our individual inherent identity.  The depth and breadth of desired introspection alone dictates the level of immersion one should imbibe.  A spherical world is an intimidating arena for a person with a preference for square corners, but for those that wish to round out their world view its as simple as stepping outside the boundaries and frolicking along new frontiers.  From there it’s a matter of just how far into the wild you wish to embark that encourages you to acquire more specific skills.