Eratic thoughts and emotions

Amanda Ruth Hanke
Love of my life
I fell in love with you the first time I saw you. There are many that I have been attracted to,
lusted for, at first sight..but you.. you I fell in love with. I know this because I had to
reconcile it with myself. In many ways, you weren't the typical physical type that I might
be attracted to. However, your eyes..from the first moment you held me in your eyes, I knew
I was lost. April 12th(?)..Was that it? The night I met you through Kenton and Becca at your
belly dancing performance at the Oxford Theater. Immediately I wanted nothing so much as to
please you. From the moment you mesmerized me with your eyes and your oh so sweet smile, I wanted
nothing more than to have you smile in gratitude and appreciation in my direction. I was restless.
I just wanted to make you happy. I went to the gas station to find you treats as soon as I learned
that you had a preference for lemon candies. So cute and adorable with such a preference.
You rebuffed me. You had a boyfriend. Still, I was already yours. Still, I thought of you as
I left empty handed. I made you that card and put together a bag of assorted candies..Only the
lemon flavored ones of each type included. I sent them along with Kenton and Becca to your next show.
I didn't go. I'd been invited and I wanted to go..but I partially wanted to play the "game" and
portray my "indifference", attempting to make myself more appealing..Also.. I feared seeing you,
desiring you, aching for you, and being rebuffed again.
Later we had the Rennaisance fair. My heart SOARED when you gave me attention. When you walked with me,
sat with me, talked with me..Shared with me your sweets, treats and snacks. I wanted you so bad, and
not at all sexually(not that that desire was not there, but for once, it wasn't at all at the
fore of my mind).
We had supper at Applebees and I made you laugh. I made you smile. I couldn't have been more proud
of myself. I loved you. There was some ethereal connection. You still denied me, but I could FEEL
the mutual attraction and appreciation for nothing so much as just being in each other's company.
That feeling was magnified and solidified when you finally invited me to your place romantically.
We kissed and never have I so enjoyed a kiss. Lips so soft, so supple. A woman so beautiful and
snug in my arms. I knew from that moment on that I never wanted to be anyplace so much as in your
arms. Every day we cuddled. I am so sorry I surrendered that. Nothing hurt more than when we
slowly drifted and I constantly wondered if you had tired of me. Still, I yearned to please you.
Greatest year of my life was with you. That year was better than any other individual month, week,
day or hour. You gave me a sense of purpose and fulfillment..and i failed you.
I broke
I am sorry.

I was sometimes uncomfortable at times, but I LOVED being invited to your family things. That
sense of acceptance and integration. That inclusion
God, I am so sorry. I need you
I love you.

I hope you understand why I've been so back and forth.. 1001 S. Barstow, Apt 4, Eau Claire..
That is my home. Amanda Hanke is my home. Whatever you might think, you were never just some
girlfriend. . Just some person filling a role. My entirety was in you. You are my entirety.
People now scoff at such things but that is the driving force that has lead our species and every
other from the very beginning.. Of EVERY organism, but especially sexually dimorphic ones. I
surrendered to the compulsions of my flesh much as I would upon visiting a bathroom but that is
all that it was. Mind, intention, future, affection.. All were yours. So, I hate being away from
you..and equally.. It drives me crazy knowing that you dismiss and recategorize my intentions.
It's not TRUE! Cheating, using..!! All bullshit as much as it is bullshit that a person is "cheating"
when they go to a restaurant to receive sustenance from another! It wouldn't mean that the person
appreciates your cooking any less but is seeking to assuage nothing more than biological cravings.
Don't make me out to be something I am not. Don't use culture and idealogy to skew and tarnish
every other moment we shared. Every other word I'd uttered.
You might see it as a burden and an annoyance that I want to hear your voice and share in your
thoughts everyday..while I see such feelings as a dismissal of the esteem to which I hold you
and the esteem to which I thought you'd held me. It's not crazy, creepy, or any other negative
attribution that after needing you and seeing you every day that I would CRAVE what little I could
get when that is no longer available. Of course it hurts HORRIBLY when it seems I am alone in
those sentiments.
I griped and accused and was a complete asshole..but truly.. even though I yearned for you to
open up to me.. entrust to me your vulnerabilities.. those vulnerabilities are part of what
endeared you to me. I do wish things had been different, on both sides, and things could have been
but none of that matters. I just wish we could have pushed things through. Gotten over the hump
and allowed the rest of life to play out. I failed you..and I wish I could have had the time
to adapt and make it up to you. Let the bigger picture, decades down the road, been the greater
testimony when this bullshit would have fallen away as a triviality in light of the reliance
and dependability, through thick and thin, we'd developed over the years since.

The “outdoors” tend to be perceived as an aesthetic extension of our modern society, accentuating our day to day lives with an appealing backdrop to the tedious tasks we perform on a regular basis, but failing to remind us of the unlimited opportunities of self revelation and exploration available to us.  On occasion we deign to delve into the surface layers of our rural surroundings and dignify the excursion as some extraordinary exploit where we’ve pitted ourselves against the wanton wiles of the wilderness, while reclining on comfy cushions and feeding our faces with packaged processed foods.  Such ostentatious “adventures” only serve to further delude our innate identity and debilitate our inherent abilities by encumbering them with unrealistic expectations of our environs.  What we need is to not test our toes within the tapestry we’ve woven about us, but to tear the illustrations aside and immerse ourselves within our very own instincts.  This need be taken no further than 10 feet out the backdoor into the backyard, but what a wondrous experience to allow the city lights to wane in the distance as we wander a bit further from the technology and creature comforts we’ve propped ourselves up with.  Doing no more than wriggling my soft, sensitive toes in this raging river of survivalist supposition, I’ve attempted to do just that.
My first few solitary stays in the woods not far from modern convenience were a lot more enlightening than I had expected.  What threatened to be an incremental accruement of cognitive stagnation a priori proved to be just the opposite as concerns for even the necessity of contemplation and mental stimulation were shed as easily as a worry for water at a pool party.  Slipping away from the incessant trivial demands of the roles and rote of superfluous society seemed to beg the surrender of baggage unwittingly acquired.  ”Time” gave ground to the measure of earth moved beneath each step as simple, directly definable duties were undertaken.  It didn’t matter who “Sally” was dating or how productive the team was performing, all that was relevant was the allotment of activities I’d chosen to accept.  If I wished to be warm as the world pulled its wool blanket over its eyes and exposed its dark dreamscape, then my only objective was to obtain those materials to make that desire manifest- break the wind from my back, elevate my skin from the warmth leeching landscape, suspend insulating materials I could snuggle up in, and collect the twigs and sticks I could combust for a comfortable fire.  If my heart, hands and feet yearned to be set free to realize their potential, there was a veritable playground of unexplored terrain to be tackled.  No longer was I conscribed to a constricted agenda but free to meet only those demands of my anatomy and curiosity.  Time neither sped up nor slowed down but more or less just changed dimensions with a little less resistance.  Like a flow of water I’d once attempted to swim upstream utilizing all the acceptable methods, I’d now merely stood up shedding the superficial posturing to tread against the same current in a more streamline fashion.  I hadn’t gained any great insight or made any profound revelations yet about the world around me, just surrendered for a time to a simpler appreciation of its intricacies.
Such is the “call of the wild”, the beseechment of our inherited impulses and instincts.  It’s not about seeing the world and its inhabitants one way or another, but a subconscious supplication to not suppress our individual inherent identity.  The depth and breadth of desired introspection alone dictates the level of immersion one should imbibe.  A spherical world is an intimidating arena for a person with a preference for square corners, but for those that wish to round out their world view its as simple as stepping outside the boundaries and frolicking along new frontiers.  From there it’s a matter of just how far into the wild you wish to embark that encourages you to acquire more specific skills.

Immersion

  I'll share a few of the "guidelines" I'm to work on for the program I'm in, and then share my journal entry pertaining to my day out in the woods (last friday went out at noon with bare necessities to spend the day collecting materials and acquainting myself with the environment, and spending the night in a "debris shelter" consisting of sticks and leaves--which turned out very cold! I started the night comfortable in it curled around a couple of the river stones I'd let heat in fire all day, but around midnight or 1 am they'd cooled and I woke freezing to have to go find more fire wood so I could lay out in front of it and have to get up sporadically to go collect more)

General Guidelines
*The domesticated mind waits
-Keep mind pliable and engaged
*The domesticated mind flits over everything
-Open mind and awareness
*The domesticated man is lazy
-Seize every moment mentally and physically
-Intensify every activity

Specific Guidelines-Each day
At least:
*1 hour of "silent sitting"
*1 hour of intense workout
*Write
-Create something and make it meaningful
*1/2 hour reading current book
*Practice restraint. Forego 1 desire

Journal Entry

  I've spent quite a bit of time outdoors, but there was something simultaneously palpable and surreal about setting off to spend the day and night in the woods with not much more than the bare necessities. Perhaps it was just the mental significance that had manifested in anticipation. Maybe it was the anxiety of placing boundaries and limitations on the excursion. After all, it's not like I'm not more than a few hundred yards from modern convenience and assistance, but I couldn't help but acknowledge my trepidation as I set out on such a simple task.
  I think one of the more significant considerations was a concern over the perceived longevity of the experience. This worry nagged at the back of my mind as I "made camp" and set about collecting fire-making materials. 'Time' automatically became substantial and I couldn't help but be curious of the duration of each itemized task, conscious that if I rushed things or aggressively undertook each agenda, I'd find myself whittling away every passing moment when I found myself without an objective. Surprisingly, it would seem I had no cause for concern.
  Firewood collection proved to be a tedious. . . no, that implies dissatisfaction with the duty. Let me instead say that it proved to be an arduous undertaking. I do believe in my current [un]condition that the hill atop which my shelter perched would have been strenuous enough without the snow, but the presence of which only further contributed in vexing my sorely neglected anatomy. It felt good. I was accomplishing an imperative while strengthening a modern-society superficial that would ultimately prove to be an imperative in my personal pursuits. Body as brought to near exhaustion, testing the stamina of the mind to persevere. It was exhilarating. So much more motivating than moving some dead weights or walking/jogging/running toward some personal preference. Yet tired as I was, I still wished to explore the new terrain and so I set off to collect some stones from a stream to haul back to my hill before heading off on a more leisurely investigation of the area. I was foiled by the rock walls I'd come to conquer(ok, it was actually my own temerity and tired muscles that impeded that desire) but managed to perch myself in a seemingly precariously perched tree that apparently had its own idea of "up" in mind. For the first time in my life laying back on a horizontal limb, I reclined and read for a while before finally retiring to make bracelets and maim myself in the process. A day I'd dreaded would be too long was as bearable yet more fulfilling than any other, and so ends my first solitary sojourn into the not-so-wilderness.

Wisconsin and Metamorphosis

I've gone to Wisconsin to apprentice in a martial arts/survivalism/lifestyle change program called Metamorphosis. As part of the program, I'm encouraged to write daily to exercise my ability and interest. So, I will transfer the couple journal entries I have so far and continue the practice here on blogspot, sharing my thoughts and experiences. As you can tell, I haven't been keeping to the one writing a day yet:( -I'll post the few loose ''guidelines/requirements" in my next blog
My first journal entry was rather abstract and just some thoughts/concerns/concepts that were rolling through my mind:

  I'm here.  Yet it is that as I look around I can't help but still feel lost.  I've sought this place for decades while traveling no further than my mind, but feet given flight to fancy I still feel myself set adrift as I simultaneously abhor the rigidity of my cyclical, perpetual plight.  What is it that I feel so disconnected from and am constantly evading?  Is it the same set of circumstances extrapolated onto new environs or had I just previously found such solace in mental dissolution and distraction that given the unexpected escape from self-imposed tethers I've only fled to find my own, seemingly ancient, ambitions as alien as the stagnation I'd once yearned to set aside?  I hope it is only habit that haunts me and given the opportunity to breathe I'll inevitably awaken to the opportunities that await me.  First, though, I must set aside the filters and open myself to the pure primal reality that has been my pursuit.

Cultural Catabolism

Beaten
brow-streaked
I raise my face to the warmth of light
and am blinded.
Digging in heels
calloused and bruised
I trudge the slippery slopes
but am constantly undermined.
Clinging to ingenuity and resourcefulness
marked qualities become commodities
I strive to excel by merit of character
but find my progress impeded.
Maggots scavenge an ill-begotten trail
maws of apathetic malice
Consuming all that lies before them
and perpetuating my plight.
Furtive movement beneath the rubble
selfishness and deceit
They praise their parasitic predecessors
the defecation dragging at my feet.

Hate

The dark ethereal tide,
A malevolent force,
Seeps into minds abroad;
With its malignant germ,
A seed of corruption,
It encompasses souls.
The deadliest disease,
Cataract of the mind,
It fades one's perception;
The bellicose virus,
Havoc on common life,
Impairs one's self control.
Perceivable to none,
An invisible trait,
It strikes without hindrance;
Spreading rage and chaos,
It rolls across the land,
A dark ethereal tide.

Primal

Cold and callous
Your regard seeks to maim
That which is hot
Yearning to tame.
I approach from a distance
Cool and aloof
But tendrils of lust
Bely ill-concealed proof.
Talons dug deep
You rend me asunder
Craving to expose
While dragging yourself under.
You've ignited my fire
Now you'll succumb to my flame
Cold tears giving way
To the heat of this game.